


Tony Stark Adopts Everyone

by sweetheart35



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack, Gen, Humor, I rate for language, One-Shot, Team as Family, Tony Stark is the biggest mother hen to ever live and no one can convince me otherwise, almost everyone else gets an honorable mention, blink and you miss it mention of Tony's PTSD, everyone has a heart and everyone needs a hug dammit, this is a preemptive fix-it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 12:36:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14425539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheart35/pseuds/sweetheart35
Summary: “Stark.” Tony, who had barrelled into the kitchen in search sweet, sweet, life-giving caffeine, froze. That was Steve’s Serious You Better Listen tone. The last time Tony had heard that tone was right before everything went to hell with the Sokovia Accords and nothing good came from that tone -“We need to talk,” Sam said. And dammit, they were ganging up on him? Before coffee? Those bastards knew -“Does May know she’s sharing custody of Peter?” Bucky asked. Tony, working himself up into an admirable and completely silent panic, choked.





	Tony Stark Adopts Everyone

“Stark.” Tony, who had barrelled into the kitchen in search sweet, sweet, life-giving caffeine, froze. That was Steve’s Serious You Better Listen tone. The last time Tony had heard that tone was right before everything went to hell with the Sokovia Accords and _nothing good_ came from that tone -

“We need to talk,” Sam said. And dammit, they were ganging up on him? Before coffee? Those bastards _knew -_

“Does May know she’s sharing custody of Peter?” Bucky asked. Tony, working himself up into an admirable and completely silent panic, choked.

“What?” He asked, and for years down the line he would forever deny that it was not a squeak, no matter what Sam ‘Liar Liar’ Wilson and Bucky ‘Pants on Fire’ Barnes said. He turned slowly to face Bucky, who was seated at the kitchen table, Steve and Natasha on either side of him, Sam sitting next to her. Steve was frowning. Natasha was expressionless, but that could mean anything from she had no opinion on the matter to she had all the opinions on the matter and she was, in fact, judging you.

Harshly.

“How many kids do you have, Stark?” Steve demanded. Tony, who had really only wanted to replenish his coffee supply, gaped at him in disbelief.

“I don’t have any kids,” he said, sounding bewildered. “And I’m not sharing custody of anyone with _anyone_ .” Steve gave Tony a disbelieving look while Bucky coughed. “Where the hell did you come up with _that_ idea?”

Nat sipped her tea. Tony eyed her suspiciously.

“I mean,” Steve started. “There’s Peter -”

“And he and Ned are a package deal,” Bucky chimed in. “So that’s two.”

“They do come over a lot on weekends,” Natasha nodded. Tony glared.

“Then this kid and his sister from Tennessee show up,” Sam continued.

“Harley and Lila,” Tony nodded. “Their mom disappeared. What’s your point?”

“That’s four,” Steve said. “And the point is, you were the first person they thought to turn to for help.”

“Don’t forget MJ.” Natasha started doing the crossword puzzle, ignoring Tony’s outraged looked with practiced ease.

“We just need to know how far your child snatching tendencies go,” Bucky said and _goddammit_ no one should be able to sound that reasonable while accusing Tony of kidnapping.

“Did you rehearse this?” Tony demanded. Sam leaned back in his seat and took a drink of his coffee. Tony eyed it longingly and debated the merits of waiting for the coffee to brew, which he hadn’t even gotten to start because of the assholes sitting at his kitchen table and their ‘intervention’, seriously, who even has those anymore, and trying to wrestle the mug away from Sam.

“Look, we just think you need to talk it over with Pepper before you start bringing home more kids,” Sam said. He cradled his mug protectively and Tony grudgingly shuffled over to the coffee maker.

“It really is a discussion you should have ahead of time, as a couple” Bucky nodded. Out of everyone in the room, he was fairly certain Bucky was the _least_ qualified to give relationship advice. “Especially since you already mother hen everyone anyway.”

“ _I do not!”_

“You gave Wanda a curfew,” Sam pointed out.

“ _She came back at two in the morning three nights in a row -”_

“She and Vision can’t be in a room without supervision -”

“They are both _young_ -”

“You check their homework -”

“They asked for help!”

“You proofread their essays and last week you went to Peter’s parent-teacher conference,” Bucky said. Tony snapped his mouth shut. Steve, sensing weakness like a shark smells blood, pounced.

“You have Happy pick them up from school for you on Fridays if you’re not available.”

“Rhodey sneezed and within an hour, you had bought out an entire pharmacy.” Natasha was a traitor, Tony was never upgrading her uniform again. Also, fuck her, that wasn’t the first time Tony had done that. It didn’t prove a goddamn thing.

“You have a calming room set aside especially for Bruce,” Sam said.

“I think we can all agree that’s for everyone’s sake,” Tony snapped.

“You had another one installed when Clint complained about not having one,” Steve pressed ruthlessly. “Bucky mentioned he missed forties music and you had an entire library downloaded the next day for him to listen to. We didn’t even know you were _listening_ to that conversation.”

“Peter asked if Shuri could spend the weekend at the compound.” Bucky looked entirely too gleeful. “He’s asking permission for _sleepovers_ , Stark.”

“I need to call T’challa about that,” Tony mumbled, momentarily distracted, before Bucky snickered. Tony glowered.

“Listen,” he snapped. “I have zero children. None. I am not sharing custody with anyone, I am not kidnapping anyone and at this point I doubt I will ever have children.” He forcefully poured himself some coffee and whipped back around to face the group at the table. Their expressions were carefully blank. “And I _do not_ mother hen _anyone_.” He marched past them to the doorway, pausing to turn back and face them.

“And tell Thor there are poptarts in the cabinet next to the fridge.”

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I just needed to write this because I am not ready.
> 
> Edit: This was written before I'd seen CW and now I am super salty about just about everything but if you think that I still don't love team as family you are wrong.


End file.
